BOFH

Pre-2001

The original series between 1995 and 2000, before it moved to being published on The Register.

The Register

2001

  1. Back on the Helldesk with BOFH
  2. This hardware is dead… It has ceased to be…
  3. BOFH gives good slide
  4. BOFH gets to the back of the Q
  5. The Bastard school of anger management
  6. BOFH: how to upgrade your Quake Server
  7. Swears, Lies and Videotapes
  8. BOFH plays Golf!
  9. My mate, automate
  10. The Rise and Fall of Little Voice
  11. The Bastard goes Wireless
  12. Bastard plan 437f
  13. BOFH gets exercised
  14. The Bastard formerly known as Roger
  15. To Catch a Thief
  16. The Bastard plays with Fire
  17. BOFH mans the Helldesk
  18. BOFH and the Linux Evangelist
  19. BOFH vs CEFH*,one:nil
  20. Bastard Satisfaction
  21. Bastard Security Troubleshooter
  22. Cardiac arrest or Cancer?
  23. It’s BOFH Disaster Recovery Time
  24. BOFH, the HellDesk and the Novel
  25. Losing Your Edge? Take The BOFH Test
  26. Arise Sir BOFH
  27. I Spy with my Bastard Eye
  28. The BOFH Self-Helpless Guide
  29. The BOFH Content Management System
  30. The Trivia Quiz – BOFH-style…
  31. The BOFH techno-zealot alert
  32. ‘Twas the night before Christmas

2002

  1. BOFH and the VAX cluster bomb
  2. BOFH gets his mobo working
  3. The Bastard Guide To Writing Software
  4. SQL for Retards
  5. Going Postal
  6. Bastardman and Robin
  7. Oh Bondage, Up Yours!
  8. The Bastard Junkets from Hell
  9. The Bastard gets flustered
  10. The BOFH Desidoreplicator
  11. The Bastard Range of Wearable Computers
  12. The Bastard goes email snooping
  13. The Bastard Guide to Overclocking
  14. BOFH and the God of Workplace Harmony
  15. The Bastard Vending Machine
  16. BOFH and The Salesbloke
  17. The Bastard School of Recruitment
  18. BOFH and The Art Of Brand Management
  19. PFY’s Sulk
  20. BOFH and the Luser Group
  21. The BOFH Questionnaire: How Geeky Are You?
  22. The killer BOFH bot from the basement
  23. Today the CEO. Tomorrow the Board!
  24. BOFH and the Nigerian 419
  25. The Bastard Lift Operator
  26. The BOFH Christmas Spirit

2003

  1. I’m a Bastard Operator, Get Me Out of Here!
  2. The Bastard Guide to Recycling
  3. BOFH and the Pay Rise
  4. The Bastard Interviewer from Hell
  5. The Bastard wants to know – How’s your interviewing style?
  6. Bastard’s got a Brand New Laptop
  7. BOFH, The Boss and Operational Euphemisms
  8. The Bastard goes 24/7
  9. BOFH and the Interruptible Power System
  10. BOFH cops a virus
  11. BOFH and the Bad Junket
  12. The Bastard School of Argument
  13. BOFH and The Engineer
  14. BOFH and The Conference
  15. BOFH and The Boss’s Porn
  16. 802.11bofh
  17. BOFH and the Boss’s PA
  18. A Bastard of a late night call-out
  19. Resumé writing – BOFH style
  20. BOFH beats the Boss
  21. BOFH and the Auditor
  22. The BOFH mobile comms quiz
  23. BOFH makes a hardware call
  24. Health, Safety and… BOFH
  25. Megalomania™ – the board game for BOFHs
  26. BOFH and the government contract
  27. BOFH on the pull
  28. Yes, it’s the BOFH quiz!
  29. BOFH, the Boss and printing p0rn
  30. BOFH’s Xmas Xperience
  31. The BOFH-father: Part One
  32. BOFH and the Boss’ space problems

2004

  1. How to get an upgrade, BOFH-style
  2. BOFH and the pointless questionnaire
  3. BOFH and the cyberchair
  4. BOFH and the coffee machine
  5. Interviewing for Helpdesk
  6. Infesting the secure comms room
  7. We who are about to dial salute you
  8. Protecting bodily waste in the public domain
  9. Enforcing the excremental IP
  10. Hitting the savegame panic button
  11. Taking the fight to the beancounters
  12. Stuck on the 6.01999th floor
  13. The enemy at the gate
  14. Beware Mad Ron bearing Linux
  15. Frying the PFY
  16. One double espresso from meltdown
  17. Psst! Wanna buy an encryption device?
  18. Wearing the graphite polymer wobbly shoe
  19. Downsizing the human deadwood
  20. BOFH and the workplace hazards
  21. BOFH peers through the proxy mirror
  22. Addressing the Computer Usage Policy
  23. BOFH gets an RFID he can’t refuse
  24. Might as well face it, you’re addicted to smut
  25. Tripping the mangelfreuzer switch
  26. BOFH takes a hit from Cupid’s arrow
  27. How do you deal with authority?
  28. BOFH switches to power-saving mode
  29. Introducing the BOFH-brand internet café
  30. Poker-faced BOFH plays jokers wild
  31. PFY proves self abuse cures male-pattern baldness
  32. What to do when the Boss gets touchy-feely
  33. BOFH tests the law of redundant supply
  34. A ringside seat at the Boss-baiting pit
  35. Seek, locate and destroy
  36. How to survive a Boring Geek Alert
  37. When sorry seems to be the hardest word
  38. A little Ray of sunshine
  39. The hostage’s guide to lift imprisonment
  40. Et tu, PFY-us?
  41. BOFH and the serial killer
  42. BOFH gets into the Xmas spirit

2005

  1. Where the hell have you been?
  2. Hooking the IT vending piranha
  3. Driller Killer
  4. When desk lamps attack
  5. The BOFH guide to equal opportunities
  6. Danger, Falling Computing Peripherals
  7. Goin’ underground
  8. Your Job number is…
  9. Critical Mass of Geeks
  10. BOFH and the hydrogen-based explosive device
  11. Identity theft
  12. I declare this junket season…
  13. The Boss is dead – long live The Boss
  14. Let the games begin
  15. You can’t outbastard the bastard
  16. Lucky in computing…
  17. Defence of the Realm
  18. Blocking the chutney ferret
  19. BOFH and the chemistry lesson
  20. Resurrection
  21. Chuck it and leg it
  22. A white van man called Algernon
  23. The name’s BOFH – James BOFH
  24. Drunk gravity
  25. Ye Bastarde Operatore frome Helle
  26. Hell hath no fury…
  27. Putting a price on the Boss
  28. Bloody computer room tourists!
  29. What the hell’s Dutch lobster?
  30. Hi Honey I’m home
  31. The Bastard, in the Comms Room with the Cooling Pipe
  32. Woah there, Crash Gordon
  33. The PFY goes AWOL
  34. Beware the lie-detecting mouse
  35. Can you call me a cab?
  36. Dr Bastard’s photo lab

2006

  1. 17 minutes of goodwill
  2. The Way of the Hammer
  3. ‘Did you know..?’
  4. Automated attendant abuse
  5. Headhunted
  6. BOFH takes a leaf from Captain Kirk’s log
  7. Birthday present backfire
  8. Being root
  9. A change in tone
  10. Feral access points
  11. Clear and present danger
  12. Dumping old crap
  13. Headcase
  14. Dear Valuable VIP Customer
  15. Interview with a CEO
  16. That security thang
  17. Power down blues
  18. Blast from the past
  19. Union ‘negotiations’
  20. Dr Bastard’s lab challenge
  21. Double whammy
  22. Champion of culture
  23. Go on then, subcontract us…
  24. Lawsuit ahoy!
  25. Office politics
  26. Bastard gets fired
  27. The Bastard and the Mouse
  28. The computer whisperer
  29. Out on the lash
  30. Retirement plan
  31. Unconventional interview
  32. Pulling a computer survey swifty
  33. The mystery of the impenetrable data safe
  34. Let the games begin
  35. Armageddon
  36. Goes virtual
  37. Data wiping hell
  38. Dessert storm
  39. When non-IT people make IT decisions
  40. IT services review
  41. The Bastard and the IT training budget
  42. The most important user in the world…
  43. Looting Christmas treasure
  44. The Bastard’s guide to airport security

2007

  1. BOFH plays Pass the Password
  2. It’s a funny old world isn’t it?
  3. The mystery of the vandalised office
  4. Immortalised in print
  5. The Bastard guide to work from work
  6. The craptop
  7. The Brotherhood
  8. The takeover
  9. The wild smut chase
  10. The new geek on the block
  11. The PFY punts for smut
  12. What do you mean the system’s being audited?
  13. Geeks on heat
  14. Fishbowl this
  15. Somebody know this body?
  16. OutBOFHd
  17. The revenge
  18. Lost licences
  19. PFY spreads his wings
  20. PFY rescue mission
  21. Talking to tradesmen
  22. Printer cartridge? What printer cartridge?
  23. Computer room deluge
  24. A question of urgency
  25. Operation bean the beancounter
  26. Moving faster than blame
  27. Dodging the auditors
  28. Damsels in distress
  29. New toys
  30. Chilling the bearings
  31. Building changes
  32. In search of the lazy atom
  33. You think you know a guy…
  34. Skip diplomacy
  35. A tragic accident
  36. The bastard wants to know (aka Episode 35.5)
  37. A foray into HR
  38. Budget cuts
  39. Workplace accidents = 0
  40. Spreading the festive cheer
  41. Friday madness
  42. Xmas party: Get a wriggle on
  43. Balancing the budget…
  44. The trivia quiz
  45. Beancounter bashing

2008

  1. Memory short circuit
  2. Defusing the enthusiast
  3. What GPS is for
  4. Carbon neutrality
  5. The Silence of the Servers
  6. Insecurity complex
  7. Vampires!
  8. The secret gentlemen’s club
  9. On the brink
  10. Impatience
  11. Fun with automatic doors
  12. The London Underground vending machine conspiracy
  13. Lift laughs
  14. Licensing model
  15. PFY’s mum pays a visit
  16. The Boss gets Grandpa Simpson syndrome
  17. Shiny new computer room
  18. The PFY’s comeuppance
  19. The Batcave
  20. Testing the obscenity filters
  21. Dealing with engineers
  22. Shafting the consultants over the new layout
  23. The all-clicking, all-whirring Roboboss
  24. The admin gene
  25. The PFY wants a reference
  26. Server room secret panels
  27. Smash + grab
  28. Burying the hatchet
  29. Lock and reload
  30. Back in the saddle
  31. Remote access malarkey
  32. The Mandelboat virus
  33. Unfriendly ghosts
  34. Fine detective work
  35. Radiating sincerity
  36. Taking out a contract
  37. The paperless cafeteria
  38. The unwanted software compo
  39. The Christmas party
  40. Blackmail and fine wine

2009

  1. A safe bet
  2. Aspie no questions
  3. Cable entanglements
  4. Defiling the profile
  5. Grand Theft Auto
  6. Spontaneous Legal Combustion
  7. Snout, meet trough
  8. Stick this
  9. A spot of bother
  10. Hammer time!
  11. Trussssst in me
  12. Weapon of choice
  13. Baitin’ switch
  14. The stupidity criticality
  15. Slab happy
  16. Made of win
  17. Key performance undertakers

2010

  1. The PFY Chronicles
  2. The PFY Chronicles Part 2
  3. The PFY Chronicles Part the Third
  4. Forgive and Forget
  5. On the Couch
  6. The poncy director’s cut
  7. Risky business
  8. Little ups and downs
  9. Lies and the lying liars who lie about them
  10. Die, Robot
  11. Robot wars
  12. Lock shock
  13. Pepper-packing bot plot
  14. Join the club
  15. You just can’t go around killing people
  16. BOFH vs Bot: Ultimate Smackdown
  17. Look out!
  18. Pain fear games
  19. Who’s been naughty and who’s been nice?

2011

  1. There’s no ‘I’ in team, but there’s a ‘u’ in suck
  2. This buck’s for you
  3. In distributed denial
  4. People get annoyed when you try to debug them
  5. Every silver lining has a cloud
  6. Attack of the Global Corporate Overlords
  7. Ready for the Judgment Day
  8. CSI Haxploitation Cube Farm Apocalypse
  9. Drunken Time Lord
  10. BOFH vs PFY: There can be only one (on the exes chit)
  11. Axe handles – occasionally quite slippery
  12. Beer, shinies, death by fire, rats IN THAT ORDER
  13. I’ll get my bonus even if it kills, well, someone
  14. No, the Fabinocci sequence
  15. Where’s my free fondleslab?
  16. Hordes unleashed… by a RAM upgrade
  17. We don’t need no stinkin’ upgrade
  18. Licence to grill … stupid users
  19. The day the office budget bombed – literally
  20. The Explosive Christmas Evacuation

2012

  1. The Cloud Committee Calamity
  2. Moon landings, Pong and the case of the smoking server
  3. Dawn raid on Fort BOFH
  4. Siri, why do users lie?
  5. PFY vs Bearded 80s Netscape Bore: BOFH
  6. The back-up backdown smackdown
  7. Shove your project managementry up your mailbox!
  8. Our Excel-lent new boss and the diagram plan
  9. Uninterruptible patsy supply
  10. Tenacious B and the Printer of Destiny
  11. Can’t you just … NO, I JUST CAN’T
  12. Hasta la Vista… luser
  13. The Great Patch Mismatch
  14. Cannot terminate PFY instance… ACCESS DENIED

2013

  1. Climb the corp ladder – and use your boss as a bullet shield
  2. My HELPDESK HELL – lies, phones lines and statistics
  3. The BOFH is BACK: And it’s cloudy with a 90% chance of beatings
  4. Go on, beancounter, type DROP TABLE asset;
  5. Don’t be afraid – we won’t hurt your delicate, flimsy inkjet printer
  6. Backup server’s failed? We have a backup backup server
  7. Nasty BOFHses. It burns us! It burns…
  8. Welcome to Helldesk, ma’am, may I take your bags?
  9. Is WHAT ‘running slow’!? GOD
  10. GOATSE? No, I said goat fetis… you know what, forget it
  11. One flew over the PFY’s nest
  12. Resistance is futile – we’re missing BEER O’CLOCK
  13. It’s DANGEROUS to go alone. Take THIS

2014

  1. Attractive person is attractive. Um, why are your eyes bulging?
  2. He… made… you… HE made YOU a DOMAIN ADMIN?
  3. On the PFY’s Scottish estate, no one can hear you scream…
  4. Oh DO tell us what you think. *CLICK*
  5. On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept
  6. You can take our lives, but you’ll never take OUR MACROS
  7. The Great Backup BACKDOWN
  8. We CAN do that with a Raspberry Pi, but think of the BODIES
  9. The current value of our IT ASSets? Minus eleventy-seven…
  10. Stop your tiers – when it comes to storage, less is more
  11. SOOO… You want to sell us some antivirus software?
  12. An UNHOLY MATCH forged amid the sweet smell of bullsh*t
  13. WHERE did this ‘fax-enabled’ printer UPGRADE come from?
  14. Everyone deserves a little DOWNTIME
  15. Santa, bloody Santa
  16. Capo di tutti capi, bah. I’m having CHICKEN JALFREZI
  17. A miracle on PFY Street

2015

  1. The Great HellDesk geek leave seek
  2. The ONE-NINE uptime solution
  3. Mmm, gotta love me some fresh BYOD dog roll
  4. Never mind that old brick, look at this ink-stained BEAUTY
  5. Explain? All we need is this kay-sh with DDR3 Cortexiphan …
  6. Getting to the brown, nutty heart of the water cooler matter
  7. Step into my office. Now take a deep breath
  8. Don’t go changing on Friday evenings, I don’t wanna work that hard
  9. My diary is MINE and mine alone, you petty HR gimps
  10. Knitting bobble hats on the steps of the guillotine
  11. Why, I LOVE work courses. Please tell me more, o wise one!
  12. An architect and his own entirely avoidable downfall
  13. Power corrupts, uninterrupted power corrupts absolutely
  14. Press 1. Press 2. Press whatever you damn well LIKE
  15. I’m not doing this for the benefit of your health, you know
  16. We’re miracle workers. But you want us to fix THAT in 10 minutes?
  17. How long does it take to complete Friday’s lager-related tasks?
  18. Taking a spin in a decommissioned racer? On your own grill cam be it

2016

  1. I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please
  2. In-depth IT training needs a single-malt distillery
  3. This laptop has ceased to be. And it’s pub o’clock soon
  4. Sure, I could make your cheapo printer perform miracles
  5. If you liked it then you should’ve put the internet in it
  6. Thermo-electric funeral
  7. What’s your point, caller?
  8. Follow the paper trail
  9. I found a flying Dragonite on a Windows 2003 domain
  10. Free as in free beer or… Oh. ‘Free Upgrade’
  11. The case of the suspicious red icon
  12. There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones
  13. The Idiot-ware Project and the Meaningless Acronym
  14. The Hypochondriac Boss and the non-random sample

2017

  1. Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me
  2. Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you
  3. Don’t back up in anger
  4. The Boss, the floppy and the work ‘experience’
  5. Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don’t Have
  6. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back
  7. Halon is not a rad new vape flavour
  8. Putting the commitment into committee
  9. That’s right. Turn it off. Turn it on
  10. Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY
  11. We’re only here because they said there would be biscuits
  12. Come on, PFY, let’s pick a Boss
  13. Oh dear. Did someone get lost on the Audit Trail?
  14. Do I smell burning toes, I mean burning toast?
  15. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
  16. The trouble with, er, windows installs

2018

  1. Buttock And Departmental Defence … As A Service
  2. We want you to know you have our full support
  3. Turn your server rack hotspot to a server rack notspot
  4. Honourable misconduct
  5. Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ….
  6. We know where the bodies are buried
  7. Guys? Guys? We need blockchain… can you install blockchain?
  8. But I did log in to the portal, Dave
  9. Their bright orange plumage warns other species, ‘Back off! I’m dangerous!’
  10. Got that syncing feeling, hm? I’ve looked at your computer and the Outlook isn’t great
  11. Is everybody ready for the meeting? Grab a crayon – let’s get technical
  12. State of a job, eh? Roll the Endless Requests for Further Information protocol

2019

  1. Bye desktop, bye desk. Hello ‘slab and a beanbag on the floor
  2. Tick tick BOOM. It’s B-day! No we’re not eating Brussels flouts…
  3. It’s not just an awesome app, it’ll look great on my Insta. . a. a. AAAARRRRRGGH