BOFH

Pre-2001

The original series between 1995 and 2000, before it moved to being published on The Register.

The Register

2001

1. Back on the Helldesk with BOFH
2. This hardware is dead... It has ceased to be...
3. BOFH gives good slide
4. BOFH gets to the back of the Q
5. The Bastard school of anger management
6. BOFH: how to upgrade your Quake Server
7. Swears, Lies and Videotapes
8. BOFH plays Golf!
9. My mate, automate
10. The Rise and Fall of Little Voice
11. The Bastard goes Wireless
12. Bastard plan 437f
13. BOFH gets exercised
14. The Bastard formerly known as Roger
15. To Catch a Thief
16. The Bastard plays with Fire
17. BOFH mans the Helldesk
18. BOFH and the Linux Evangelist
19. BOFH vs CEFH*,one:nil
20. Bastard Satisfaction
21. Bastard Security Troubleshooter
22. Cardiac arrest or Cancer?
23. It's BOFH Disaster Recovery Time
24. BOFH, the HellDesk and the Novel
25. Losing Your Edge? Take The BOFH Test
26. Arise Sir BOFH
27. I Spy with my Bastard Eye
28. The BOFH Self-Helpless Guide
29. The BOFH Content Management System
30. The Trivia Quiz – BOFH-style...
31. The BOFH techno-zealot alert
32. 'Twas the night before Christmas

2002

1. BOFH and the VAX cluster bomb
2. BOFH gets his mobo working
3. The Bastard Guide To Writing Software
4. SQL for Retards
5. Going Postal
6. Bastardman and Robin
7. Oh Bondage, Up Yours!
8. The Bastard Junkets from Hell
9. The Bastard gets flustered
10. The BOFH Desidoreplicator
11. The Bastard Range of Wearable Computers
12. The Bastard goes email snooping
13. The Bastard Guide to Overclocking
14. BOFH and the God of Workplace Harmony
15. The Bastard Vending Machine
16. BOFH and The Salesbloke
17. The Bastard School of Recruitment
18. BOFH and The Art Of Brand Management
19. PFY's Sulk
20. BOFH and the Luser Group
21. The BOFH Questionnaire: How Geeky Are You?
22. The killer BOFH bot from the basement
23. Today the CEO. Tomorrow the Board!
24. BOFH and the Nigerian 419
25. The Bastard Lift Operator
26. The BOFH Christmas Spirit

2003

1. I'm a Bastard Operator, Get Me Out of Here!
2. The Bastard Guide to Recycling
3. BOFH and the Pay Rise
4. The Bastard Interviewer from Hell
5. The Bastard wants to know – How's your interviewing style?
6. Bastard's got a Brand New Laptop
7. BOFH, The Boss and Operational Euphemisms
8. The Bastard goes 24/7
9. BOFH and the Interruptible Power System
10. BOFH cops a virus
11. BOFH and the Bad Junket
12. The Bastard School of Argument
13. BOFH and The Engineer
14. BOFH and The Conference
15. BOFH and The Boss's Porn
16. 802.11bofh
17. BOFH and the Boss's PA
18. A Bastard of a late night call-out
19. Resumé writing – BOFH style
20. BOFH beats the Boss
21. BOFH and the Auditor
22. The BOFH mobile comms quiz
23. BOFH makes a hardware call
24. Health, Safety and... BOFH
25. Megalomania™ – the board game for BOFHs
26. BOFH and the government contract
27. BOFH on the pull
28. Yes, it's the BOFH quiz!
29. BOFH, the Boss and printing p0rn
30. BOFH's Xmas Xperience
31. The BOFH-father: Part One
32. BOFH and the Boss' space problems

2004

1. How to get an upgrade, BOFH-style
2. BOFH and the pointless questionnaire
3. BOFH and the cyberchair
4. BOFH and the coffee machine
5. Interviewing for Helpdesk
6. Infesting the secure comms room
7. We who are about to dial salute you
8. Protecting bodily waste in the public domain
9. Enforcing the excremental IP
10. Hitting the savegame panic button
11. Taking the fight to the beancounters
12. Stuck on the 6.01999th floor
13. The enemy at the gate
14. Beware Mad Ron bearing Linux
15. Frying the PFY
16. One double espresso from meltdown
17. Psst! Wanna buy an encryption device?
18. Wearing the graphite polymer wobbly shoe
19. Downsizing the human deadwood
20. BOFH and the workplace hazards
21. BOFH peers through the proxy mirror
22. Addressing the Computer Usage Policy
23. BOFH gets an RFID he can't refuse
24. Might as well face it, you're addicted to smut
25. Tripping the mangelfreuzer switch
26. BOFH takes a hit from Cupid's arrow
27. How do you deal with authority?
28. BOFH switches to power-saving mode
29. Introducing the BOFH-brand internet café
30. Poker-faced BOFH plays jokers wild
31. PFY proves self abuse cures male-pattern baldness
32. What to do when the Boss gets touchy-feely
33. BOFH tests the law of redundant supply
34. A ringside seat at the Boss-baiting pit
35. Seek, locate and destroy
36. How to survive a Boring Geek Alert
37. When sorry seems to be the hardest word
38. A little Ray of sunshine
39. The hostage's guide to lift imprisonment
40. Et tu, PFY-us?
41. BOFH and the serial killer
42. BOFH gets into the Xmas spirit

2005

1. Where the hell have you been?
2. Hooking the IT vending piranha
3. Driller Killer
4. When desk lamps attack
5. The BOFH guide to equal opportunities
6. Danger, Falling Computing Peripherals
7. Goin' underground
8. Your Job number is...
9. Critical Mass of Geeks
10. BOFH and the hydrogen-based explosive device
11. Identity theft
12. I declare this junket season...
13. The Boss is dead – long live The Boss
14. Let the games begin
15. You can't outbastard the bastard
16. Lucky in computing...
17. Defence of the Realm
18. Blocking the chutney ferret
19. BOFH and the chemistry lesson
20. Resurrection
21. Chuck it and leg it
22. A white van man called Algernon
23. The name's BOFH – James BOFH
24. Drunk gravity
25. Ye Bastarde Operatore frome Helle
26. Hell hath no fury...
27. Putting a price on the Boss
28. Bloody computer room tourists!
29. What the hell's Dutch lobster?
30. Hi Honey I'm home
31. The Bastard, in the Comms Room with the Cooling Pipe
32. Woah there, Crash Gordon
33. The PFY goes AWOL
34. Beware the lie-detecting mouse
35. Can you call me a cab?
36. Dr Bastard's photo lab

2006

1. 17 minutes of goodwill
2. The Way of the Hammer
3. 'Did you know..?'
4. Automated attendant abuse
5. Headhunted
6. BOFH takes a leaf from Captain Kirk's log
7. Birthday present backfire
8. Being root
9. A change in tone
10. Feral access points
11. Clear and present danger
12. Dumping old crap
13. Headcase
14. Dear Valuable VIP Customer
15. Interview with a CEO
16. That security thang
17. Power down blues
18. Blast from the past
19. Union 'negotiations'
20. Dr Bastard's lab challenge
21. Double whammy
22. Champion of culture
23. Go on then, subcontract us...
24. Lawsuit ahoy!
25. Office politics
26. Bastard gets fired
27. The Bastard and the Mouse
28. The computer whisperer
29. Out on the lash
30. Retirement plan
31. Unconventional interview
32. Pulling a computer survey swifty
33. The mystery of the impenetrable data safe
34. Let the games begin
35. Armageddon
36. Goes virtual
37. Data wiping hell
38. Dessert storm
39. When non-IT people make IT decisions
40. IT services review
41. The Bastard and the IT training budget
42. The most important user in the world...
43. Looting Christmas treasure
44. The Bastard's guide to airport security

2007

1. BOFH plays Pass the Password
2. It's a funny old world isn't it?
3. The mystery of the vandalised office
4. Immortalised in print
5. The Bastard guide to work from work
6. The craptop
7. The Brotherhood
8. The takeover
9. The wild smut chase
10. The new geek on the block
11. The PFY punts for smut
12. What do you mean the system's being audited?
13. Geeks on heat
14. Fishbowl this
15. Somebody know this body?
16. OutBOFHd
17. The revenge
18. Lost licences
19. PFY spreads his wings
20. PFY rescue mission
21. Talking to tradesmen
22. Printer cartridge? What printer cartridge?
23. Computer room deluge
24. A question of urgency
25. Operation bean the beancounter
26. Moving faster than blame
27. Dodging the auditors
28. Damsels in distress
29. New toys
30. Chilling the bearings
31. Building changes
32. In search of the lazy atom
33. You think you know a guy...
34. Skip diplomacy
35. A tragic accident
36. The bastard wants to know (aka Episode 35.5)
37. A foray into HR
38. Budget cuts
39. Workplace accidents = 0
40. Spreading the festive cheer
41. Friday madness
42. Xmas party: Get a wriggle on
43. Balancing the budget...
44. The trivia quiz
45. Beancounter bashing

2008

1. Memory short circuit
2. Defusing the enthusiast
3. What GPS is for
4. Carbon neutrality
5. The Silence of the Servers
6. Insecurity complex
7. Vampires!
8. The secret gentlemen's club
9. On the brink
10. Impatience
11. Fun with automatic doors
12. The London Underground vending machine conspiracy
13. Lift laughs
14. Licensing model
15. PFY's mum pays a visit
16. The Boss gets Grandpa Simpson syndrome
17. Shiny new computer room
18. The PFY's comeuppance
19. The Batcave
20. Testing the obscenity filters
21. Dealing with engineers
22. Shafting the consultants over the new layout
23. The all-clicking, all-whirring Roboboss
24. The admin gene
25. The PFY wants a reference
26. Server room secret panels
27. Smash + grab
28. Burying the hatchet
29. Lock and reload
30. Back in the saddle
31. Remote access malarkey
32. The Mandelboat virus
33. Unfriendly ghosts
34. Fine detective work
35. Radiating sincerity
36. Taking out a contract
37. The paperless cafeteria
38. The unwanted software compo
39. The Christmas party
40. Blackmail and fine wine

2009

1. A safe bet
2. Aspie no questions
3. Cable entanglements
4. Defiling the profile
5. Grand Theft Auto
6. Spontaneous Legal Combustion
7. Snout, meet trough
8. Stick this
9. A spot of bother
10. Hammer time!
11. Trussssst in me
12. Weapon of choice
13. Baitin' switch
14. The stupidity criticality
15. Slab happy
16. Made of win
17. Key performance undertakers

2010

1. The PFY Chronicles
2. The PFY Chronicles Part 2
3. The PFY Chronicles Part the Third
4. Forgive and Forget
5. On the Couch
6. The poncy director's cut
7. Risky business
8. Little ups and downs
9. Lies and the lying liars who lie about them
10. Die, Robot
11. Robot wars
12. Lock shock
13. Pepper-packing bot plot
14. Join the club
15. You just can't go around killing people
16. BOFH vs Bot: Ultimate Smackdown
17. Look out!
18. Pain fear games
19. Who's been naughty and who's been nice?

2011

1. There's no 'I' in team, but there's a 'u' in suck
2. This buck's for you
3. In distributed denial
4. People get annoyed when you try to debug them
5. Every silver lining has a cloud
6. Attack of the Global Corporate Overlords
7. Ready for the Judgment Day
8. CSI Haxploitation Cube Farm Apocalypse
9. Drunken Time Lord
10. BOFH vs PFY: There can be only one (on the exes chit)
11. Axe handles – occasionally quite slippery
12. Beer, shinies, death by fire, rats IN THAT ORDER
13. I'll get my bonus even if it kills, well, someone
14. No, the Fabinocci sequence
15. Where's my free fondleslab?
16. Hordes unleashed... by a RAM upgrade
17. We don't need no stinkin' upgrade
18. Licence to grill ... stupid users
19. The day the office budget bombed – literally
20. The Explosive Christmas Evacuation

2012

1. The Cloud Committee Calamity
2. Moon landings, Pong and the case of the smoking server
3. Dawn raid on Fort BOFH
4. Siri, why do users lie?
5. PFY vs Bearded 80s Netscape Bore: BOFH
6. The back-up backdown smackdown
7. Shove your project managementry up your mailbox!
8. Our Excel-lent new boss and the diagram plan
9. Uninterruptible patsy supply
10. Tenacious B and the Printer of Destiny
11. Can't you just ... NO, I JUST CAN'T
12. Hasta la Vista... luser
13. The Great Patch Mismatch
14. Cannot terminate PFY instance... ACCESS DENIED

2013

1. Climb the corp ladder – and use your boss as a bullet shield
2. My HELPDESK HELL – lies, phones lines and statistics
3. The BOFH is BACK: And it's cloudy with a 90% chance of beatings
4. Go on, beancounter, type DROP TABLE asset;
5. Don't be afraid – we won't hurt your delicate, flimsy inkjet printer
6. Backup server's failed? We have a backup backup server
7. Nasty BOFHses. It burns us! It burns...
8. Welcome to Helldesk, ma'am, may I take your bags?
9. Is WHAT 'running slow'!? GOD
10. GOATSE? No, I said goat fetis... you know what, forget it
11. One flew over the PFY's nest
12. Resistance is futile – we're missing BEER O'CLOCK
13. It's DANGEROUS to go alone. Take THIS

2014

1. Attractive person is attractive. Um, why are your eyes bulging?
2. He... made... you... HE made YOU a DOMAIN ADMIN?
3. On the PFY's Scottish estate, no one can hear you scream...
4. Oh DO tell us what you think. *CLICK*
5. On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept
6. You can take our lives, but you'll never take OUR MACROS
7. The Great Backup BACKDOWN
8. We CAN do that with a Raspberry Pi, but think of the BODIES
9. The current value of our IT ASSets? Minus eleventy-seven...
10. Stop your tiers – when it comes to storage, less is more
11. SOOO... You want to sell us some antivirus software?
12. An UNHOLY MATCH forged amid the sweet smell of bullsh*t
13. WHERE did this 'fax-enabled' printer UPGRADE come from?
14. Everyone deserves a little DOWNTIME
15. Santa, bloody Santa
16. Capo di tutti capi, bah. I'm having CHICKEN JALFREZI
17. A miracle on PFY Street

2015

1. The Great HellDesk geek leave seek
2. The ONE-NINE uptime solution
3. Mmm, gotta love me some fresh BYOD dog roll
4. Never mind that old brick, look at this ink-stained BEAUTY
5. Explain? All we need is this kay-sh with DDR3 Cortexiphan ...
6. Getting to the brown, nutty heart of the water cooler matter
7. Step into my office. Now take a deep breath
8. Don't go changing on Friday evenings, I don't wanna work that hard
9. My diary is MINE and mine alone, you petty HR gimps
10. Knitting bobble hats on the steps of the guillotine
11. Why, I LOVE work courses. Please tell me more, o wise one!
12. An architect and his own entirely avoidable downfall
13. Power corrupts, uninterrupted power corrupts absolutely
14. Press 1. Press 2. Press whatever you damn well LIKE
15. I'm not doing this for the benefit of your health, you know
16. We're miracle workers. But you want us to fix THAT in 10 minutes?
17. How long does it take to complete Friday's lager-related tasks?
18. Taking a spin in a decommissioned racer? On your own grill cam be it

2016

1. I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please
2. In-depth IT training needs a single-malt distillery
3. This laptop has ceased to be. And it's pub o'clock soon
4. Sure, I could make your cheapo printer perform miracles
5. If you liked it then you should've put the internet in it
6. Thermo-electric funeral
7. What's your point, caller?
8. Follow the paper trail
9. I found a flying Dragonite on a Windows 2003 domain
10. Free as in free beer or... Oh. 'Free Upgrade'
11. The case of the suspicious red icon
12. There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones
13. The Idiot-ware Project and the Meaningless Acronym
14. The Hypochondriac Boss and the non-random sample

2017

1. Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me
2. Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you
3. Don't back up in anger
4. The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'
5. Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have
6. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back
7. Halon is not a rad new vape flavour
8. Putting the commitment into committee
9. That's right. Turn it off. Turn it on
10. Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY
11. We're only here because they said there would be biscuits
12. Come on, PFY, let's pick a Boss
13. Oh dear. Did someone get lost on the Audit Trail?
14. Do I smell burning toes, I mean burning toast?
15. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
16. The trouble with, er, windows installs

2018

1. Buttock And Departmental Defence ... As A Service
2. We want you to know you have our full support
3. Turn your server rack hotspot to a server rack notspot
4. Honourable misconduct
5. Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....
6. We know where the bodies are buried
7. Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?
8. But I did log in to the portal, Dave
9. Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'
10. Got that syncing feeling, hm? I've looked at your computer and the Outlook isn't great
11. Is everybody ready for the meeting? Grab a crayon – let's get technical
12. State of a job, eh? Roll the Endless Requests for Further Information protocol

2019

1. Bye desktop, bye desk. Hello 'slab and a beanbag on the floor
2. Tick tick BOOM. It's B-day! No we're not eating Brussels flouts...
3. It's not just an awesome app, it'll look great on my Insta. . a. a. AAAARRRRRGGH
4. What's Near Field Implementation? Oh, you'll see. Turn left here
5. On a sunny day like this one, the concrete dries so much more quickly
6. Oh, go on, let's flush all that legacy tech down the toilet
7. What's the Gnasher? Why, it's our heavy-duty macerator sewage pump
8. We must... have... beer! Only... cure... for... electromagnetic fields
9. The company survived the disaster recovery test. Just. The Director's car, however...
10. Judge us not by the size of our database, but the size of our augmented reality
11. Trying to go after IT's budget again?
12. I'd like introduce you to a groovy little web log I call 'That's Boss'
13. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and the ransomware struck
14. The case of the Boss's hidden USB inkjet printer

2020

1. You brought nothing to the party but a six-pack of regret
2. When was the last time someone said these exact words to you: You are the sunshine of my life?
3. Darn Windows 7. It's totally why we need a £1k graphics card for a business computer
4. Gosh, IPv5? Why didn't I think of that? Say, how do you like the new windows in here? Take a look. Closer...
5. Here he comes, all wide-eyed with the boundless optimism of youth. He is me, 30 years ago... what to do?
6. Will the last one out switch off the printer?