Old Harry’s Game

Series 1

1. Welcome to Hell

Thomas, a water company chairman is comatose and has his life support turned off after a car crash. Realising he can now move, Thomas finds he has arrived in hell where Satan is there is greet him, alongside demon Gary. Satan checks the other arrivals into hell and comes across the Professor, a man only assigned to hell on a technicality – of not believing in God. The Professor believes that his vision of hell is a hallucination and is unperturbed by Satan’s attempt at scaring him. Sending him off to be tortured, Satan is left a little confused by The Professor. Later, Satan and Gary head off to see how the professor’s torture is going, and find the demon’s have given up on torturing him as he has managed to dissociate from the pain. Satan attempts to convince The Professor that he is dead by showing him his own funeral, and explains that he was involved in a car crash – caused by Thomas. Satan, unable to break The Professor’s resolve that not all people are bad puts him in the same quarters as Thomas.

2. Corruption

Satan is still bemused by the professors insisting humans are mostly decent. The professor during a talk with Thomas believes that his subconscious is producing his vision of hell, but soon finds that Thomas is the cause of the car crash – before Thomas starts to strangle him in a fit of rage over the professors careful driving. Satan arrives to break up the fight and embarks on a quest of trying to seduce the professor’s wife to prove his point that his wife is an example of an indecent human. Meanwhile, Gary and Thomas are becoming friends somewhat during a game of golf, in part due to Thomas’ sucking up. Returning to hell, Satan tries to convince the professor that he had sex with his wife however the professor sees through the lies. While at golf, Thomas continues to talk Gary into obliterating the professor but is left upset that people in hell are there forever. While talking with Gary, Satan admits that he didn’t sleep with the professor’s wife, and actually begins to wonder whether it would be nice to have someone to come home to.

3. Hero Worship

Satan and Gary are playing a game however Gary is upset at the unfairness. Satan suggests a chat with the professor to further his attempts at quashing the professors good attitude who is in the midst of talking with Thomas about the complexity of the universe. Thomas is bored by the professors ramblings and plans to dig out of hell with a spoon when Satan arrives bringing along a sea creature which is a distant relative of humans. The professor finds this interesting, but Satan does not see humans as much more intellectually developed than the creature. Satan takes the professor to visit da Vinci and Shakespeare where the professor finds the men being completely different to how he expects them – somewhat proving Satan’s point. Returning, the professor finds that Thomas has become obsessive in digging a large tunnel. Satan begins to feel some remorse for breaking the professor’s spirit, though is more pleased when Thomas’ escape fails with him being burnt in the Lake of Fire. The professor feels sorry for him, and even admires the tunnel – putting it down to human ingenuity and leaving Satan particularly angry.

4. Appearances

Satan is feeling depressed as he listens to Gary’s various punishments he has given to the residents. Gary blames the professor for putting ideas in Satan’s head. Coming up with an idea for recording time, Satan leaves Gary to count. Visiting Thomas and the professor, Satan finds them fighting about a lively discussion – which results in Satan punishing Thomas by turning him into a cauliflower for not letting go. Feeling sorry for Thomas as his attitude is based on how he was brought up, the professor tries to convince Satan that he does not deserve the inflicted punishment. Satan embarks on another attempt to quell the professors spirit by taking him to a pub fight and war which apparently shows the true human nature. Thomas meanwhile attempts to talk Gary into rebelling. Visiting the location where Thomas grew up where they find his dad as a vicar, and his good brother. Returning to hell, Satan still fails to convince the professor that humans are all bad – which resulting in the professor questioning the point of hell at which Satan has no answer.

5. Rebellion

Satan admonishes Gary for not quashing Elvis’ spirit enough, and also questions his use of a Filofax which he got from Thomas. Taking to cleaning, Gary believes that the professor has made Satan miserable. Thomas is feeling depressed, so the professor suggests recalling his happiest moment – where he reveals having sex with his brother’s wife is his chosen moment. When Satan arrives, the professor asks him what his own happy moment was but finds that he hasn’t had any. Satan sends Thomas to report for cleaning duty with Gary, where he finds that Gary is miserable about Satan’s attitude. Thomas talks him into rebelling to overthrow Satan. The professor tries to help Satan reason about his purpose, when Gary launches a surprise attack. At first, Satan sees his chance to end his own hell though decides that letting Gary beat him is worse. Realising that Gary will easily be beaten, the other demons quickly switch sides, before Satan casts Gary and Thomas away.

6. Redemption

Satan is holding a trial to try Gary for rebelling against him. Gary chooses the professor to help him with his defence. The professor calls Gary to the stand and recalls Satan’s own rebellion which got them thrown out of heaven. Gary tells everyone that God’s real name is Nigel, before God arrives to query what is happening. Adjourning court, Satan talks to God in an attempt to reconcile their relationship and have him return to heaven. Hearing Elvis singing, God questions whether Hell is really as oppressive as it should be. He rejects the request for Satan to return seeing that he needs to keep Hell running. Satan queries whether the professor can be admitted into heaven as he feels he does not belong, however the professor upsets God by questioning his logic in the creation of the universe, before angering him by refusing to worship, despite Satan’s attempts to help. When Thomas also complains about his free will, God takes to punishing them with an eternal snowstorm.

Series 2

1. Assistant

Satan is interviewing for a new assistant, and settles unenthusiastically on the try-hard Scumspawn with the proviso that he can scare the Professor. The Professor fails to be scared, though offers encouragement and suggests Satan should give him the job, before questioning how Scumspawn can shoot snot out of his nose. Turning to the Professor’s wife Deborah, the Professor confesses he has been lonely and has even missed Thomas. Satan says he banished Thomas to be a single-celled organism, before promptly banishing the Professor to join him. On return to Satan who is still debating with Scumspawn over the job, the Professor tries to convince Satan to give Thomas an easier ride. Satan believes Thomas can not change himself for the better, and has Scumspawn pretend to be a beautiful girl to prove the Professor wrong. When Thomas reassures the girl, before moving on her, the Professor still manages to find a positive change in him.

2. Chuckles

Still interviewing for an assistant, Satan has the professor with him who posits the question about Hell being outmoded. Taking Cerberus for a walk, the Professor questions their bet over Thomas. Coming across an evil dolphin who has been sent to Hell, Satan contemplates making him his assistant. The Professor heads off to find Thomas and continue his work on improving him while Satan is left with the dolphin explaining the situation with the Professor. While talking with Thomas, the Professor recalls a story of a fellow researcher stealing his work which lead to him wanting to kill the man. Scumspawn overhears the story and reports back to Satan and the dolphin, to which Satan takes the Professor back to his home – and finds his former research partner being invited in by Deborah. The situation leaves the Professor saddened as they return to Hell, where he finds some sympathy surprisingly from Thomas. Satan rejects the dolphin as his assistant for being too smart, and confesses to the Professor that it was Scumspawn pretending to be his wife.

3. Nero

With the Satanic games underway, Satan has invited the Professor to sit with him in the Imperial Box. When questioned as to whether he enjoys watching, Satan decides to cancel the games. When talk changes to Thomas, Satan questions when he can see the adjustment in Thomas’ attitude for their bet, who is still struggling to show some empathy. Satan decides to take on a mortal as an assistant, and picks an Ancient Roman – Nero, though Scumspawn questions whether the other demons will take orders from a mortal. Thomas is soon found crying after hearing a song, though Satan is not convinced it is a real sign of emotion. Satan takes them to the real world where they see terrible things Thomas has done including chemical dumping, deforestation and theft from the company pension. On returning to Hell, the Professor points out that Nero has erected a number of statues to himself, and has been causing general havoc. Satan decides on banishing Nero, leaving the Professor with Thomas to continue the lessons.

4. Computers

An artificially intelligent machine arrives in Hell and Satan tasks Scumspawn with showing it around, as he has decided to take it on as his assistant. A terrorist also arrives asking where the maidens are, though is upset to find he is not in heaven. Thomas meanwhile has been placed with Miss Frobisher who killed herself due to Thomas’ actions over the company pensions. The terrorist reveals he convinced his brother to join the same terrorist organisation, and the Professor suggests Satan should intervene. Thomas manages to apologise to Miss Frobisher, and wonders whether they can strike up a relationship should Satan keep them together, as Miss Frobisher reveals she could never love Thomas. Satan returns from the real world after corrupting the terrorists brother with a prostitute, therefore getting him kicked out of the organisation. Scumspawn also returns after pushing the AI machine down the eternal pit.

5. G.U.T.

Satan and the Professor are having minor quarrels which results in Satan provoking the Professor by saying the pursuit of scientific knowledge is pointless with some taunting over the Professor’s partner stealing his work. He reveals the Grand Unifying Theory to the Professor, who wants to reveal the knowledge to the world to further mankind. Meanwhile, Thomas is stuck in solitary and depressed, with Scumspawn sharing the feeling due to his lack of promotion. The Professor prepares his book for publishing with the Grand Unifying Theory, but refuses to be dishonest about his discovery. Scumspawn reveals to Thomas that he is contemplating telling Satan he loves him, much to Thomas’ dismay. Heading to the living world with Satan, the Professor observes his manuscript being presented to the publishing committee – who quickly decide to publish it under a celebrities name. Returning to hell, Scumspawn enquires as to whether an assistant has been chosen, but becomes nervous while trying to declare his love, and ends up in a fight with Jane Austen.

6. Too Far

The Professor is still trying to improve Thomas’ attitude, and prepares to give up. Satan and Scumspawn arrive, with the demon looking for a job – which Satan provides by commanding him to eat himself. As Scumspawn begins, Thomas attempts to persuade him not to follow orders. Satan takes the Professor to a book shop in the living world to see the published book with his name on the cover, which is Satan’s gift to the Professor. The Professor’s fame starts to turn against him as his former research partner disparages him and a tabloid journalist has published lies about an affair. Satan also takes him to a meeting where the Professor’s work will be used to develop a weapon. The Professor concedes that their bet over Thomas has been won by Satan, and that his wife won’t be able to stay with him. Satan checks in on Scumspawn, who has eaten up to his ribs and quickly declares his love. As Satan becomes angry, Thomas steps in and tries to defend Scumspawn by showing humanity, which the Professor uses to win their bet. Satan returns Scumspawn’s limbs and wonders about his own future, which the Professor suggests is trying to return to being an angel.

Series 3

1. This Thing Called Love

Satan discourages a group of cultists from following him, and states that he does not want their approval. He returns to Hell where Scumspawn is organising new arrivals, but still has to command him that he must not love him. Off to find the Professor and Thomas, the Professor steps in before Scumspawn can punish Thomas as he is conducting an experiment. Scumspawn becomes nervous however and turns himself into a prawn, which the Professor blames on Satan. As Thomas is taken away, the Professor states he is noticing a change in him as he no longer appears as threatened by being tortured. Satan goes on to reveal to the Professor that his wife is planning to get married. Arriving in the real world, the Professor arrives to find his wife about to be wed, and discovers the groom is a bent jockey under investigation which leads to the Professor trying to stop the wedding. He persuades Satan to handle the situation which results in the vicar being announced as a devil worshipper by Gaby Roslin. Returning to Hell, Satan finds Scumspawn has been taking lessons from Thomas on how to punish people which angers him.

2. Another Country

The Professor is talking to Karl Marx who wants to know if his classless society theory worked out post-death. Satan arrives with more people for the professor to interview as part of the Professor’s plan to prove people can change. Satan ends up revealing to Marx that his idea failed leaving him devastated. Scumspawn meanwhile is shadowing Thomas to increase his fierceness as commanded by Satan. The Professor moves on to talking to Stalin who ends up in a fight with Marx. Speaking with Thomas Jefferson, the Professor and Jefferson are taken by Satan to Bill Clinton’s office who is shown to be lying about the Monica Lewinsky affair, which leaves Jefferson dumbfounded. With little positivity about humans, the Professor enquires as to how his wife is since the wedding and is taken to the real world to see the jockey has been arrested. Deborah arrives and decides to stick by the jockey, much to the Professor’s shock. Back in Hell, the pair arrive to find Thomas’ dark personality has been re-awakened and is chasing nuns around naked. Blaming his past, the professor launches into a rant about the past before heading off to burn his works.