On-Call

A list of all On-Call articles from The Register, as they are a little hard to find via the search on the site.

Date Title
2018-03-02 My PC is broken, said user typing in white on a white background
2018-02-23 Batteries are so heavy, said user. If I take it out, will this thing work?
2018-02-16 If this laptop is so portable, where’s the keyboard, huh? HUH?
2018-02-09 Secret weekend office bonk came within inch of killing sysadmin
2018-02-02 Shopper f-bombed PC shop staff, so they mocked her with too-polite tech tutorial
2018-01-26 User stepped on mouse, complained pedal wasn’t making PC go faster
2018-01-19 User had no webcam or mic, complained vid conference didn’t work
2018-01-12 PC lab in remote leper colony had wrong cables, no licences, and not much hope
2017-12-23 ‘Twas the night before Y2K and a grinch stole the IT department’s overtime payout
2017-12-22 Beyond code PEBCAK lies KMACYOYO, PENCIL and PAFO
2017-12-21 ‘Please store the internet on this floppy disk’
2017-12-20 Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the data centre temp’s delightful
2017-12-19 Hot chips crashed servers, but were still delicious
2017-12-08 Disk drive fired ‘Frisbees of death’ across data centre after storage admin crossed his wires
2017-12-01 User dialled his PC into a permanent state of ‘Brown Alert’
2017-11-24 Boss made dirt list of minions’ mistakes, kept his own rampage off it
2017-11-17 Help desk declared code PEBCAK and therefore refused to help!
2017-11-10 User asked help desk to debug a Post-it Note that survived a reboot
2017-11-03 Official Secrets Act alert went off after embassy hired local tech support
2017-10-27 Boss put chocolate cake on aircon controller, to stop people using it
2017-10-20 Boss visited the night shift and found a car in the data centre
2017-10-13 Software update turned my display and mouse upside-down, says user
2017-10-06 Support team discovers ‘official’ vendor paper doesn’t rob you blind
2017-09-29 Vibrating walls shafted servers at a time the SUN couldn’t shine
2017-09-22 Sysadmin tells user CSI-style password guessing never w– wait WTF?! It’s ‘PASSWORD1’!
2017-09-15 User worked with wrong app for two weeks, then complained to IT that data had gone missing
2017-09-08 User demanded PC be moved to move to a sunny desk – because it needed Windows
2017-09-01 User thanked IT department for fast new server, but it had never left its box
2017-08-25 Bombastic boss gave insane instructions to sensible sysadmin, with client on speakerphone
2017-08-18 Linux-loving lecturer ‘lost’ email, was actually confused by Outlook
2017-08-11 Hell desk to user: ‘I know you’re wrong. I wrote the software. And the protocol it runs on’
2017-08-04 Four techies flummoxed for hours by flickering ‘E’ on monitor
2017-07-28 Sysadmin jeered in staff cafeteria as he climbed ladder to fix PC
2017-07-21 User filed fake trouble tickets to take helpful sysadmin to lunches
2017-07-14 User left unable to type passwords after ‘tropical island stress therapy’
2017-07-07 Sysadmin bloodied by icicle that overheated airport data centre
2017-06-30 Fresh cotton underpants fix series of mysterious mainframe crashes
2017-06-23 PC rebooted every time user flushed the toilet
2017-06-16 Fighter pilot shot down laptops with a flick of his copper-plated wrist
2017-06-09 Please do not scare the pigeons – they’ll crash the network
2017-06-02 ‘My PC needs to lose weight’ says user with FAT filesystem
2017-05-26 Sysadmin finds insecure printer, remotely prints ‘Fix Me!’ notice
2017-05-19 Faking incontinence and other ways to scare off tech support scammers
2017-05-12 PC repair chap lets tech support scammer log on to his PC. His Linux PC
2017-05-05 User loses half of a CD-ROM in his boss’s PC
2017-04-28 Waiter? There’s a mouse in my motherboard and this server is greasy!
2017-04-21 Drunk user blow-dried laptop after dog lifted its leg over the keyboard
2017-04-13 Boss swore by ‘For Dummies’ book about an OS his org didn’t run
2017-04-07 Printer blown to bits by compressed air
2017-03-31 PC survived lightning strike thanks to a good kicking
2017-03-24 Squirrel sinks teeth into SAN cabling, drives Netadmin nuts
2017-03-17 User jams up PC. Literally. No, we don’t know which flavour
2017-03-10 User lubed PC with butter, because pressing a button didn’t work
2017-03-03 User rats out IT team for playing games at work, gets them all fired
2017-02-24 Sysadmin’s sole client was his wife – and she queried his bill
2017-02-17 Installing disks is basically LEGO, right? This admin failed LEGO
2017-02-10 IT guy checks to see if PC is virus-free, with virus-ridden USB stick
2017-02-03 Super-cool sysadmin fixes PCs with gravity, or his fists
2017-01-27 Naughty sysadmins use dark magic to fix PCs for clueless users
2017-01-20 IT team sent dirt file to Police as they all bailed from abusive workplace
2016-12-23 Christmas Eve ERP migration derailed by silly spreadsheet sort
2016-12-22 Support chap’s Sonic Screwdriver fixes PC as user fumes in disbelief
2016-12-21 Did webcam ‘performer’ offer support chap payment in kind?
2016-12-20 Why does Skype only show me from the chin down?
2016-12-19 It’s round and wobbles, but madam, it’s a mouse pad, not a floppy disk
2016-12-16 Sysadmin ‘fixed’ PC by hiding it on a bookshelf for a few weeks
2016-12-09 Sysadmin told to spend 20+ hours changing user names, for no reason
2016-12-02 Sysadmin figures out dating agency worker lied in his profile
2016-11-25 Sysadmin denies boss’s request to whitelist smut talk site of which he was a very happy member
2016-11-18 User needed 40-minute lesson in turning it off and turning it on again
2016-11-11 Angry user demands three site visits to fix email address typos
2016-11-04 Hell Desk’s 800 number was perfect for horrible heavy-breathing harassment calls
2016-10-28 Hell desk thought PC fire report was a first-day-on-the-job prank
2016-10-21 Sysadmin flees asbestos scare with disk drive, blank pay cheques, angry builders in pursuit
2016-10-14 Casino cops are coming if we can’t move all this cash in a hurry
2016-10-07 ‘Please label things so I can tell the difference between a mouse and a microphone’
2016-09-30 User couldn’t open documents or turn on PC, still asked for reference as IT expert
2016-09-27 The server’s down. At 3AM. On Christmas. You’re drunk. So you put a disk in the freezer
2016-09-23 If we can’t fix this printer tonight, the bank’s core app will stop working
2016-09-16 Two Sundays wrecked by boss who couldn’t use a calendar
2016-09-09 Is there paper in the printer? Yes and it’s so neatly wrapped!
2016-09-02 A plumber with a blowtorch is the enemy of the data centre
2016-08-26 Sysadmin sticks finger in pipe, saves data centre from flood
2016-08-19 You shrunk the database into a .gz and the app won’t work? Sigh
2016-08-12 ‘I found the intern curled up on the data centre floor moaning’
2016-08-05 The developer died 14 years ago, here’s a print out of his source code
2016-07-31 Server vendor has special help desk for lying, incompetent sysadmins
2016-07-22 Forget your RTO*: Real world Disaster Recovery needs garbage bags and bubble wrap
2016-07-15 If we can’t find a working SCSI cable, the company will close tomorrow
2016-07-11 Please stop working and abuse your expense account at the beach
2016-06-17 Fly to Africa. Survive helicopter death flight to oil rig. Do no work for three weeks. Repeat
2016-06-10 Developer waits two years for management to define project
2016-06-03 Mushroom farm PC left in the dark and fed … you know the rest
2016-05-27 HR botches redundancy so chap scores year-long paid holiday
2016-05-20 ‘Acts of war in a combat zone are not covered by your laptop warranty’
2016-05-16 Sysadmin paid a month’s salary for one day of nothing
2016-05-13 Microsoft phone support contractors told to hang up after 15 minutes
2016-05-12 UK.gov pays four fellows £35k to do nothing for three months
2016-05-06 Database man flown to Hong Kong to install forgotten patch spends week in pub
2016-04-29 Switch survives three hours of beer spray, fails after twelve
2016-04-22 Sysadmin given Licence To Perve shows why you always get it in writing
2016-04-15 Admin fishes dirty office chat from mistyped-email bin and then …?
2016-04-08 That naked picture on my PC? Not mine. The IT guy put it there
2016-04-01 You can’t dust-proof a PC with kitchen-grade plastic food wrap
2016-03-24 Computers shouldn’t smoke. Cigarettes aren’t healthy for anyone
2016-03-18 Telling your wife why you were fired is the only punishment
2016-03-11 I beg you, please don’t back up that secret directory full of photos!
2016-03-04 Vendor rep ‘Stinky Sam’ told to wash and brush teeth or lose job
2016-02-26 Toaster cooks network and burns ‘expert’ user’s credibility to a crisp
2016-02-19 Helpdesk? I have a software problem. And a GRIZZLY BEAR problem
2016-02-12 When asked ‘What’s a .CNT file?’ there’s a polite way to answer
2016-02-05 What’s it like to work for a genius and Olympic archer who’s mates with Richard Branson?
2016-01-29 The monitor didn’t work but the problem was between the user’s ears
2016-01-22  How to help a user who can’t find the Start button or the keyboard?
2016-01-15 Late night server rebuild led to ‘nightmares about mutilated corpses’
2015-12-24 The Police Chief’s photo library mixed business, pleasure and flesh
2015-12-23 Software engineer sobers up to deal with 2:00 AM trouble at mill
2015-12-22 There’s an epidemic of idiots who can’t find power switches
2015-12-21 DEAD MAN’S SOCKS and other delightful gifts from clients
2015-12-18 T’was the night before Christmas, and an industrial control system needed an upgrade
2015-12-11 Electrician cuts wrong wire and downs 25,000 square foot data centre
2015-12-04 Sysadmin’s £100,000 revenge after sudden sacking
2015-11-27 Outsourcer didn’t press ON switch, so Reg reader flew 15 hours to do the job
2015-11-20 One-armed bandit steals four hours of engineer’s busy day
2015-11-13 Your taxes at work: Three hours driving to turn on politician’s PC
2015-11-06 Stick a pin in a sales droid to avoid cable voodoo
2015-10-30 Why was the modem down? Let us count the ways. And phone lines
2015-10-18 Reg reader escapes four-month lightning-struck Windows Vista farm nightmare
2015-10-11 How long does it take an NHS doctor to turn on a computer?
2015-10-04 Mysterious brown spots and a different kind of mouse support
2015-09-27 Will IT support please come to the ward immediately. Weeeee have a tricky problem
2015-09-20 It’s alive! Farmer hides neglected, dust-clogged server between walls
2015-09-13 Pro tip: Servers belong in dry server rooms, not wet cloakrooms
2015-08-30 In redneck heaven, internet outages are the American Way
2015-08-23 Sysadmin ignores 25 THOUSAND patches, among other sins
2015-08-16 Boss hands dunce’s cap to chap who turned off disk monitor
2015-08-09 Germans in ‘brains off, just follow orders’ hospital data centre gaff
2015-08-02 Sun? In Blighty? Nah, just build that rooftop data centre, it’ll be fine
2015-07-19 Reg reader casts call centre spell with a SECRET WORD
2015-07-12 Surviving Hurricane Katrina: A sysadmin’s epic DR (as in Didn’t Realise) odyssey
2015-07-05 ‘The server broke and so did my back on the flight to fix it’
2015-06-21 Two foreigners, a desert and a jeep full of bank statements
2015-06-14 Fire, fire! Just move your data centre onto my lawn … Oh rats!
2015-05-17 Never trust a developer who says ‘I can fix this in a few minutes’
2015-05-10 What to do when the users are watching Nazi dwarf smut at work?
2015-04-26 Who was downloading smut in the office while eating ice cream?
2015-04-12 You’ll be the coolest guy in IT if you ain’t got your ID
2015-04-05 Are you sure there are servers in this cold, dark basement?
2015-03-22 3,500 servers go down – so my FIRST AID training kicks in
2015-02-28 At night, scary wildlife comes out to play in the chemical factory
2015-02-21 A truly SHOCKING tale of electrified PCs
2014-12-27 No, I won’t SNORKEL in your server room at STUPID-O’CLOCK