Old Harry's Game
This listing covers the series Old Harry’s Game which was written by Andy Hamilton and aired on-and-off between 1995 and 2012.
1. Welcome to Hell
Thomas, a water company chairman is comatose and has his life support turned off after a car crash. Realising he can now move, Thomas finds he has arrived in hell where Satan is there to greet him, alongside demon Gary. Satan checks the other arrivals into hell and comes across the Professor, a man only assigned to hell on a technicality – of not believing in God. The Professor believes that his vision of hell is a hallucination and is unperturbed by Satan’s attempt at scaring him. Sending him off to be tortured, Satan is left a little confused by The Professor. Later, Satan and Gary head off to see how the Professor’s torture is going, and find the demon’s have given up on torturing him as he has managed to dissociate from the pain. Satan attempts to convince The Professor that he is dead by showing him his own funeral, and explains that he was involved in a car crash – caused by Thomas. Satan, unable to break the Professor’s resolve that not all people are bad puts him in the same quarters as Thomas.
Satan is still bemused by the Professor insisting humans are mostly decent. The Professor during a talk with Thomas believes that his subconscious is producing his vision of hell, but soon finds that Thomas is the cause of the car crash – before Thomas starts to strangle him in a fit of rage over the Professor's careful driving. Satan arrives to break up the fight and embarks on a quest of trying to seduce the Professor’s wife to prove his point that his wife is an example of an indecent human. Meanwhile, Gary and Thomas are becoming friends somewhat during a game of golf, in part due to Thomas’ sucking up. Returning to hell, Satan tries to convince the Professor that he had sex with his wife however the Professor sees through the lies. While at golf, Thomas continues to talk Gary into obliterating the Professor but is left upset that people in hell are there forever. While talking with Gary, Satan admits that he didn’t sleep with the Professor’s wife, and actually begins to wonder whether it would be nice to have someone to come home to.
3. Hero Worship
Satan and Gary are playing a game however Gary is upset at the unfairness. Satan suggests a chat with the Professor to further his attempts at quashing the Professor's good attitude who is in the midst of talking with Thomas about the complexity of the universe. Thomas is bored by the Professors ramblings and plans to dig out of hell with a spoon when Satan arrives bringing along a sea creature which is a distant relative of humans. The Professor finds this interesting, but Satan does not see humans as much more intellectually developed than the creature. Satan takes the Professor to visit da Vinci and Shakespeare where the Professor finds the men being completely different to how he expects them – somewhat proving Satan’s point. Returning, the Professor finds that Thomas has become obsessive in digging a large tunnel. Satan begins to feel some remorse for breaking the Professor’s spirit, though is more pleased when Thomas’ escape fails with him being burnt in the Lake of Fire. The Professor feels sorry for him, and even admires the tunnel – putting it down to human ingenuity and leaving Satan particularly angry.
Satan is feeling depressed as he listens to Gary’s various punishments he has given to the residents. Gary blames the Professor for putting ideas in Satan’s head. Coming up with an idea for recording time, Satan leaves Gary to count. Visiting Thomas and the Professor, Satan finds them fighting about a lively discussion – which results in Satan punishing Thomas by turning him into a cauliflower for not letting go. Feeling sorry for Thomas as his attitude is based on how he was brought up, the Professor tries to convince Satan that he does not deserve the inflicted punishment. Satan embarks on another attempt to quell the Professors spirit by taking him to a pub fight and war which apparently shows the true human nature. Thomas meanwhile attempts to talk Gary into rebelling. Visiting the location where Thomas grew up where they find his dad as a vicar, and his good brother. Returning to hell, Satan still fails to convince the Professor that humans are all bad – which resulting in the Professor questioning the point of hell at which Satan has no answer.
Gary is admonished by Satan for not quashing Elvis’ spirit enough, and also questions his use of a Filofax which he got from Thomas. Taking to cleaning, Gary believes that the Professor has made Satan miserable. Thomas is feeling depressed, so the Professor suggests recalling his happiest moment – where he reveals having sex with his brother’s wife is his chosen moment. When Satan arrives, the Professor asks him what his own happy moment was but finds that he hasn’t had any. Satan sends Thomas to report for cleaning duty with Gary, where he finds that Gary is miserable about Satan’s attitude. Thomas talks him into rebelling to overthrow Satan. The Professor tries to help Satan reason about his purpose, when Gary launches a surprise attack. At first, Satan sees his chance to end his own hell though decides that letting Gary beat him is worse. Realising that Gary will easily be beaten, the other demons quickly switch sides, before Satan casts Gary and Thomas away.
Satan is holding a trial to try Gary for rebelling against him. Gary chooses the Professor to help him with his defence. The Professor calls Gary to the stand and recalls Satan’s own rebellion which got them thrown out of heaven. Gary tells everyone that God’s real name is Nigel, before God arrives to query what is happening. Adjourning court, Satan talks to God in an attempt to reconcile their relationship and have him return to heaven. Hearing Elvis singing, God questions whether Hell is really as oppressive as it should be. He rejects the request for Satan to return seeing that he needs to keep Hell running. Satan queries whether the Professor can be admitted into heaven as he feels he does not belong, however the Professor upsets God by questioning his logic in the creation of the universe, before angering him by refusing to worship, despite Satan’s attempts to help. When Thomas also complains about his free will, God takes to punishing them with an eternal snowstorm.
Satan is interviewing for a new assistant, and settles unenthusiastically on the try-hard Scumspawn with the proviso that he can scare the Professor. The Professor fails to be scared, though offers encouragement and suggests Satan should give him the job, before questioning how Scumspawn can shoot snot out of his nose. Turning to the Professor’s wife Deborah, the Professor confesses he has been lonely and has even missed Thomas. Satan says he banished Thomas to be a single-celled organism, before promptly banishing the Professor to join him. On return to Satan who is still debating with Scumspawn over the job, the Professor tries to convince Satan to give Thomas an easier ride. Satan believes Thomas can not change himself for the better, and has Scumspawn pretend to be a beautiful girl to prove the Professor wrong. When Thomas reassures the girl, before moving on her, the Professor still manages to find a positive change in him.
Still interviewing for an assistant, Satan has the Professor with him who posits the question about Hell being outmoded. Taking Cerberus for a walk, the Professor questions their bet over Thomas. Coming across an evil dolphin who has been sent to Hell, Satan contemplates making him his assistant. The Professor heads off to find Thomas and continue his work on improving him while Satan is left with the dolphin explaining the situation with the Professor. While talking with Thomas, the Professor recalls a story of a fellow researcher stealing his work which lead to him wanting to kill the man. Scumspawn overhears the story and reports back to Satan and the dolphin, to which Satan takes the Professor back to his home – and finds his former research partner being invited in by Deborah. The situation leaves the Professor saddened as they return to Hell, where he finds some sympathy surprisingly from Thomas. Satan rejects the dolphin as his assistant for being too smart, and confesses to the Professor that it was Scumspawn pretending to be his wife.
With the Satanic games underway, Satan has invited the Professor to sit with him in the Imperial Box. When questioned as to whether he enjoys watching, Satan decides to cancel the games. When talk changes to Thomas, Satan questions when he can see the adjustment in Thomas’ attitude for their bet, who is still struggling to show some empathy. Satan decides to take on a mortal as an assistant, and picks an Ancient Roman – Nero, though Scumspawn questions whether the other demons will take orders from a mortal. Thomas is soon found crying after hearing a song, though Satan is not convinced it is a real sign of emotion. Satan takes them to the real world where they see terrible things Thomas has done including chemical dumping, deforestation and theft from the company pension. On returning to Hell, the Professor points out that Nero has erected a number of statues to himself, and has been causing general havoc. Satan decides on banishing Nero, leaving the Professor with Thomas to continue the lessons.
An artificially intelligent machine arrives in Hell and Satan tasks Scumspawn with showing it around, as he has decided to take it on as his assistant. A terrorist also arrives asking where the maidens are, though is upset to find he is not in heaven. Thomas meanwhile has been placed with Miss Frobisher who killed herself due to Thomas’ actions over the company pensions. The terrorist reveals he convinced his brother to join the same terrorist organisation, and the Professor suggests Satan should intervene. Thomas manages to apologise to Miss Frobisher, and wonders whether they can strike up a relationship should Satan keep them together, as Miss Frobisher reveals she could never love Thomas. Satan returns from the real world after corrupting the terrorists brother with a prostitute, therefore getting him kicked out of the organisation. Scumspawn also returns after pushing the AI machine down the eternal pit.
Satan and the Professor are having minor quarrels which results in Satan provoking the Professor by saying the pursuit of scientific knowledge is pointless with some taunting over the Professor’s partner stealing his work. He reveals the Grand Unifying Theory to the Professor, who wants to reveal the knowledge to the world to further mankind. Meanwhile, Thomas is stuck in solitary and depressed, with Scumspawn sharing the feeling due to his lack of promotion. The Professor prepares his book for publishing with the Grand Unifying Theory, but refuses to be dishonest about his discovery. Scumspawn reveals to Thomas that he is contemplating telling Satan he loves him, much to Thomas’ dismay. Heading to the living world with Satan, the Professor observes his manuscript being presented to the publishing committee – who quickly decide to publish it under a celebrities name. Returning to hell, Scumspawn enquires as to whether an assistant has been chosen, but becomes nervous while trying to declare his love, and ends up in a fight with Jane Austen.
6. Too Far
The Professor is still trying to improve Thomas’ attitude, and prepares to give up. Satan and Scumspawn arrive, with the demon looking for a job – which Satan provides by commanding him to eat himself. As Scumspawn begins, Thomas attempts to persuade him not to follow orders. Satan takes the Professor to a book shop in the living world to see the published book with his name on the cover, which is Satan’s gift to the Professor. The Professor’s fame starts to turn against him as his former research partner disparages him and a tabloid journalist has published lies about an affair. Satan also takes him to a meeting where the Professor’s work will be used to develop a weapon. The Professor concedes that their bet over Thomas has been won by Satan, and that his wife won’t be able to stay with him. Satan checks in on Scumspawn, who has eaten up to his ribs and quickly declares his love. As Satan becomes angry, Thomas steps in and tries to defend Scumspawn by showing humanity, which the Professor uses to win their bet. Satan returns Scumspawn’s limbs and wonders about his own future, which the Professor suggests is trying to return to being an angel.
1. This Thing Called Love
Satan discourages a group of cultists from following him, and states that he does not want their approval. He returns to Hell where Scumspawn is organising new arrivals, but still has to command him that he must not love him. Off to find the Professor and Thomas, the Professor steps in before Scumspawn can punish Thomas as he is conducting an experiment. Scumspawn becomes nervous however and turns himself into a prawn, which the Professor blames on Satan. As Thomas is taken away, the Professor states he is noticing a change in him as he no longer appears as threatened by being tortured. Satan goes on to reveal to the Professor that his wife is planning to get married. Arriving in the real world, the Professor arrives to find his wife about to be wed, and discovers the groom is a bent jockey under investigation which leads to the Professor trying to stop the wedding. He persuades Satan to handle the situation which results in the vicar being announced as a devil worshipper by Gaby Roslin. Returning to Hell, Satan finds Scumspawn has been taking lessons from Thomas on how to punish people which angers him.
2. Another Country
The Professor is talking to Karl Marx who wants to know if his classless society theory worked out post-death. Satan arrives with more people for the Professor to interview as part of the Professor's plan to prove people can change. Satan ends up revealing to Marx that his idea failed leaving him devastated. Scumspawn meanwhile is shadowing Thomas to increase his fierceness as commanded by Satan. The Professor moves on to talking to Stalin who ends up in a fight with Marx. Speaking with Thomas Jefferson, the Professor and Jefferson are taken by Satan to Bill Clinton's office who is shown to be lying about the Monica Lewinsky affair, which leaves Jefferson dumbfounded. With little positivity about humans, the Professor enquires as to how his wife is since the wedding and is taken to the real world to see the jockey has been arrested. Deborah arrives and decides to stick by the jockey, much to the Professor's shock. Back in Hell, the pair arrive to find Thomas' dark personality has been re-awakened and is chasing nuns around naked. Blaming his past, the Professor launches into a rant about the past before heading off to burn his works.
3. A Four Letter Word
The Professor is feeling depressed after hearing his wife call him boring. Satan arrives describing his most recent discovered torture when Scumspawn turns up with a new arrival. He turns out to be a writer, Travis, who still hopes his script will be used for a film, which the Professor quickly identifies as promising. Satan attempts to use Scumspawn as an example of something with no hope, but he disagrees wondering if Satan will ever love him. The Professor challenges Satan to a bet that Travis will not demand more once script is made into a film, and will be content. As castings begin for the film which is effectively a alien-based remake of Casablanca, Travis has problems organising Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman. At the screening which is shown to other demons, the audience begins to sob at the acting quality and praises Thomas' part in the movie, which irritates Satan. Travis laments his film not being shown in the real world, which leaves Satan slightly happier after winning the bet with the Professor.
4. The Reasonably Fantastic Journey
The Professor continues his work with Thomas while Satan is cooking up plans for an event in Hell with his own Millennium Dome build to host religious battles which he shows to the Professor after a dragon ride. Satan also shows him a cheeseburger which he terms as the sum of all human achievement, and takes the Professor on a journey into Scumspawn's brain which contains various strange ongoings. Moving on to Thomas' brain, they find random childish memories which may little sense. Thomas and Scumspawn meanwhile are left looking at some art which Scumspawn has created depicting Satan, and he debates showing them to him. The Professor uncovers a repressed memory of Thomas being rejected by other children, before finding the area where they can view what is Thomas is seeing. Arriving back in Hell, Satan and the Professor return to find Scumspawn burying the portrait. Questioning Scumspawn, Satan becomes irate at the demon and orders the picture destroyed leaving him distraught. The Professor asks Thomas about the party and finds that the party memory was repressed due to an incident involving Semtex.
5. The Beautiful Game
Scumspawn is feeling the desire to express himself and is discussing his problem with the Professor and Thomas. Satan arrives recounting his latest problem-causing activities in the real world which involve driving around in a white van. The Professor suggests it is down to the social attitudes of humans with the World Cup being a pinnacle of human beings. Satan suggests hosting a football tournament in Hell which he expects to devolve into chaos and shambles. The Professor takes to managing England and ends up making Thomas the captain. Scumspawn is ordered to referee the match by Satan in an attempt to ensure the tournament is refereed badly. Some crowd trouble breaks out pretty quickly and the gameplay is particularly dirty. The Professors team gets through to the semi-finals to play against Germany, Satan's team, who has Attila the Hun playing. England is beaten on penalties which resulted in Thomas biting off Attila the Hun's ear. Satan calls off the final having proved his point with the Professor confronting Satan over his threats to Scumspawn about his officiating leading to Satan vanishing in anger.
6. The Final Reckoning
The Professor is taking a trip with Satan on a number of gruesome locations ending up at Broadcasting House where they see a presenter planning to jump from the roof. Heading off to visit the Professor's wife where he finds Deborah is upset at the breakdown of her relationship with the jockey. Back in Hell, a number of angels appear including Gabriel who's actual name is Graham. They question Satan about his trips with the Professor to the real world as God has forbidden it. They also reveal God has created a new version of Hell with much worse punishments to improve law and order. Once they leave, Satan decides to cut back on the journeys though the Professor feels some guilt as to having messed up Deborah's relationship. In his old bedroom, Satan reluctantly turns the Professor into a ghost so he can talk to Deborah, and he goes on to convince her to marry Rory. The angels return looking for Satan and the Professor, and question them about their trips when they spot a petal. Thomas and Scumspawn take the blame however infer they will also reveal the angels watching of orgy sessions in Hell.
1. Knowledge and Ignorance
Satan talks with the Professor about people in the middle ages being more easily scared, and modern people being too sceptical. When Thomas attempts to speak up, Satan turns his ire upon him but stops short due to the Professors continued attempts to find a good side to him. Believing that humans are much happier being ignorant, he takes the Professor with him to the real world. Scumspawn is left with Thomas, who questions the demon about how Satan treats him, to which Scumspawn reveals he plays musical instruments secretly. In a science lab, the scientists have made a discovery which they are to use to make insurance calculations leaving the Professor disappointed. He also notes a number of other changes to the world since the Professor's death. Back in Hell, the Professor comes across his Uncle who Satan reveals is actually his father. Satan finds Scumspawn and Thomas playing table tennis, at which point he banishes Thomas. The Professor questions whether his parents are in Hell, but Satan refuses to tell him with the Professor concluding that the pursuit is knowledge is the most important thing.
2. Beautiful England
Satan and the Professor observe a newly arrived England fan in Hell, and tasks Scumspawn with finding a punishment. The Professor is sure that the man isn't representative of the English, and Satan challenges him to prove it. Heading to the real world, Satan shows a number of things he considers part of the English grand-delusion including tennis at Wimbledon. Meanwhile, Scumspawn enlists Thomas' help to deal with the mortal who they find died trying to fight a rhinoceros at a safari park. The Professor suggests an ordinary person is the best person to look at, however Satan takes him to a street which is organising a vigilante group based on rumours. Arriving back in Hell, Satan and the Professor find Thomas berating the mortal with Scumspawn having failed in his task. Thomas admits to helping Scumspawn to prevent him getting in trouble, before the mortal turns on Satan and calls him a “puff”. Satan resolves to commanding Scumspawn to turn into Julian Clary and leads the mortal away. The Professor suggests that Satan really wishes he was really English.
3. Health and Safety
Satan receives unwanted health and safety advice from a newly arrived mortal. Satan also decides on not letting the Professor ‘handle' him any more but reveals to Scumspawn that the Professor's wife is in a coma. Deciding not to tell the Professor just as he arrives, the Professor soon works out that something has happened. In the real world, Satan and the Professor check in on Deborah who is revealed to have had a car crash. Scumspawn is left with Thomas and ends up questioning him about whether he loved his wife, while the health and safety inspector continues to make suggestions. Thomas talks about a love he once had with Lucy who ended their relationship. Talking about whether Deborah will end up in heaven, Satan suggests she may have had some lapses that affect the decision and that there isn't a chance of her staying with the Professor. In the hospital, Deborah dies and is able to talk to the Professor who convinces her to choose to live with the help of Satan in a Liberace costume. In Hell, Satan finds a number of fences erected to ensure safety and punishes him with the torment of a world where safety is absolute.
4. Poets Corner
Arriving to find the Professor and Thomas are doing some creative writing with pens and notebooks given to them by Scumspawn, Satan questions how writing is cathartic based on form of other writers. The Professor gets into an argument with Satan over writing, with poems being a particularly sore point. Heading to a special section of Hell, Satan shows the Professor a host of writers who exist in permanent torture. Thomas meanwhile enlists Scumspawn's help in writing poetry which mostly focuses on his hate for Alan Titchmarsh. Arriving in Poets Corner, Satan questions a poet who wrote about him which leaves him extremely angry at the ambiguity of the writing. Returning to Thomas who has completed his poem, the Professor reveals his favourite poem is Abide with Me. Satan arrives having been attracted to the singing but is in somewhat of a good mood. He spots Scumspawn holding a poem he wrote and demands it be read. Satan rips up the poem calling it garbage, before leaving Thomas and the Professor with two boring demons as punishment.
Satan is embarking on improving staff morale by hosting a fête which involves punishing the French. When the Professor accuses him of being vindictive, he challenges Satan to withhold from torturing anyone. He soon ends up punishing Thomas however when he speaks out of turn. The discussion turns to sleep, with Satan and the Professor heading off to find Freud to talk about Satan's inability to dream or sleep, however the Professor dismisses Freud with Scumspawn heading off to find Dr. Yeung. The Professor encourages Satan to try to sleep, however when this fails Freud tries hypnotherapy which eventually works. Thomas suggests killing him while they have the chance, though decides against it when the Professor questions what happens if he survives. Satan begins to dream and recalls his transition from an angel, before waking. Scumspawn also awakens from a lovely dream of dancing, which quickly angers Satan who nails his feet to the floor.
Satan is bored and struggles to muster enthusiasm for causing discord in the living world. Finding the Professor who is talking to Thomas about women, he introduces Helen of Troy's and her ‘average' friend Daphne. God soon after arrives in Hell, also suffering boredom and is convinced by Satan to be rid of the human race, and to allow him and the Professor into heaven. Thomas meanwhile is trying to attract Helen who is mostly interested in her own vanity, while Scumspawn gets to explore feelings between him and Daphne. God also arrives to say he agrees with Satan about starting again, but the Professor interjects at the idea of discarding humans and says he should be proud instead. God realises that Satan tried to take advantages of his melancholy before leaving. Satan disappears in anger leaving the Professor with Thomas has had sex with Helen though feels empty. Scumspawn also returns having kissed Daphne who passed out, though Satan overhears and finds little sympathy from Scumspawn thus leaving them all with a punishment.
Christmas Specials (2002/2003)
1. The Roll of the Dice
Satan takes to interfering with a vane celebrity as she conducts an interview on television, though the Professor thinks it barbaric so Satan turns him into a fly. Thomas arrives and launches into a complaint about his assigned punishment taking too long, with the demons saying that Hell is too busy to keep up with work. Scumspawn turns up and says that a woman has arrived in the waiting room who shouldn't be here. Heading off to look, Scumspawn says she is very beautiful, though Satan disagrees about human beauty. On entering the room, Satan is also attracted to the woman named Hope and soon stumbles over his words. Getting back on track, Satan tries to identify why the woman has been sent to Hell, and also finds she has died early. Satan and Scumspawn show Hope around Hell, and promise her an easy time due to the mistake. Thomas catches up with Satan as is captivated by Hope, and she helps him avoid punishment. The Professor, still a fly, is also introduced to Hope with everyone thinking Hope and the Professor are much alike. Satan becomes fed up and decides on a mission…
2. Knocking On Heaven's Door
Satan, Scumspawn and Hope are on the hunt for Death, while the Professor is still stuck as a fly and left with Thomas who is still a zebra. Heading to a dark road, Satan finds Death however discovers the original Death has been outsourcing which has lead to various mistakes. Back in Hell, Thomas is talking to the crocodiles and tries to discourage them from eating him. Satan manages to talk to the original Death on the phone who refuses to restore Hope's life in fear of litigation. Satan suggests heading to Heaven to plead the case with God. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is struggling with crowd control and refuses to handle Hope's acceptance for fear of his job until Satan blackmails him. Returning to Hell, Satan asks the Professor how his time as a fly was and checks up on Thomas who is still unbearably waiting to be eaten. As New Year in the real world approaches, Satan plans to head up to cause some problems as the Professor breaks out into singing Auld Lang Syne before promptly being turned back into a Bluebottle fly.
1. Moral Leadership
Satan arrives to inform two new arrivals that they have been sent to Hell, though being staunch Christian and Muslims they accuse Satan of being a dressed-up heathen. Feeling depressed at his inability to scare them, Scumspawn thinks Satan is missing the Professor who has since been accepted into Heaven. Walking around Hell, Scumspawn reveals the place is overflowing with the damned. They rescue a squashed-flat Thomas before a number of “check-in demons” turn up with complaints about the number of arrivals. They suggest talking to God with plans for an expansion of Hell and the workforce. Satan takes to cooking the pancaked Thomas, which results in blaspheming to summon God. God appears having been attracted by the smell of pancakes, from which Satan steers the conversation onto the expansion. The idea is quickly rejected, so Satan questions whether the number of commandments can be reduced. God becomes angry at the suggestions, which results in Thomas shouting at God for not handling the situation, which results in God punishing Thomas and reducing the size of Hell. Returning to the two arrivals, Satan punishes them by putting them in with gay atheists.
2. The Crusade
Interfering in a meeting of priests, Satan takes on the role of a new archbishop after having the previous one attacked by a grizzly bear. He tries to nudge the conversation towards reducing the number of people sent to Hell. Thomas and Scumspawn back in Hell meanwhile reminisce about the discussions they used to have with the Professor. Satan returns to Hell with his efforts failed, with Scumspawn revealing he has made a “robo-Pope” to take the place of a new future Pope. Believing the idea good, but still wary, Satan also sees more of Scumspawn's inventions which intend to change world religion. Returning to the real world as an Ayatollah, Satan tries to get Islamic leaders to loosen up on rules but fails to convince again. On nation television, Satan takes the form of David Beckham and announces a new tolerant religion in a more desperate attempt before speaking himself and wheeling Thomas to offer descriptions of punishments. Back in Hell, Satan finds his plan failed to work as the pits continue to overflow. Enacting a new plan, Satan decides that politics is the way forward.
3. Power Politics
Satan, disguised as an archbishop meets with the Queen in an attempt to get her to appear on television to discourage immorality. Meanwhile back in Hell, Scumspawn is in the arrivals lounge and trying to calm the crowds with the help of Thomas. Satan returns with no luck from his talk to the Queen failing. Thomas suggests that the Queen has no power, and comes up with the idea of using a powerful politician. Satan transforms into Roman Abramovich and meets with Vladimir Putin to convince him to end corruption by stroking his ego. Thomas is still working the check-in desk along with Scumspawn, and talks with a new arrival, Roland, who decides to take advantage of Satan being away. Back on Earth, Satan appears as the angel Gabriel to discourage Donald Rumsfeld and Condolezza Rica from entering into war, though again fails to stop them. He also appears at the United Nations to ask the leaders to stop countries from abusing their powers and abolish the concept of nations though this also fails. Appearing back in Hell, Satan meets Roland who offers his services on solving the overcrowding problems…
4. I Blame the Media
Eastenders has now been cast as upbeat and caring, with Satan presenting the tape to the BBC executive with his continued attempts to reduce the overcrowding. Roland, along with Thomas, continues in Hell with his plan a overthrow Satan as Scumspawn tries to control crowds. Roland steps in to calm the arrivals, while Thomas suggests that Roland persuade the check-in demons to end the strike. Satan returns to Hell planning on sorting the strike, and Scumspawn reveals that the plan is already in hand, as Satan heads back out to Hollywood. Roland summons all the demons together, and posits the overthrow by convincing them by first suggesting they attack Scumspawn so he can not alert Satan. Thomas worries that Scumspawn will be injured, but is less concerned when Roland makes him an Assistant Emporer. Satan soon returns, and immediately notices the signs of an imminent attack, before quickly talking the demons out of their plan by questioning who will be the first to attack. Roland tries to talk his way out of the situation, but Satan promises him a punishment consisting of eternally falling. He sends the demons back to work without punishment, and Scumspawn manages to talk Satan out of punishing Thomas. Satan also reveals he has failed to stem the flow of people heading to Hell, but expects humans to be wiped out soon enough anyway.
A group of religious nutters is trying to cleanse a child of the evil of Satan, who turns up, to inflict some terror on the people for being misinformed about how he works. Meanwhile, Scumspawn reveals to Thomas that he loves Satan and recognises his 'scared little boy' inside the rough exterior. A number of new arrivals turn up in Hell, for which Satan must deal with. However, older woman Edith fails to be scared of Satan and is rather bemused by the environment, believing everything being a joke played by a friend and in general denial. Satan takes her on a tour to bring her around, as they learn about her achievements in life as a historian, humanitarian and former athelete. Still failing to convince, Satan takes Edith to the mortuary where her body is, where they are in the process of declaring her death as a suicide. Back in Hell, Thomas has climbed out of a pit to find himself face-to-face with Edith, who hates him. She reveals Thomas was married to her daughter, which Satan suggests who make them good roommates in Hell though offers a deal in which she will write his biography.
Thomas suggests he and Edith try to come to a compromise on dealing with each other. Scumspawn arrives to notify Thomas that Satan is in a particularly bad mood and suggests he try to do something for someone else. Edith meanwhile still believes she is hallucinating or dreaming, and still doesn't believe that Satan isn't a nutter in a costume. Still however agreeing to write Satan's biography, Edith sets out her ground rules for how she will write the book. The pair head to see a number of characters from the bible as Satan sets about proving his history to Edith, such as Samson who really only slayed a school-child and Adam and Eve, who are monkey-like. Scumspawn is left back in Hell with Thomas, as he continues to try to remember a time he helped someone else before Scumspawn hypnotises him. Edith finds that most of the stories from the Bible are either embellished or not true, and heads back to Hell where they find Scumspawn has successfully made Thomas act nice towards Edith until he remarks she killed herself. Trying to hypnotise Edith to find out how she really died, Satan gets her to recall the events up to her death in which she sees a person at the window, before everything goes black. When she awakens, Edith demands Satan find out who killed her.
Scumspawn is continuing to help Thomas realise the good inside of himself, when Satan arrives complaining that the fires in Hell are going out again. Edith is out interviewing scholars, including Mordecai who just wants to list unclean things, on religion for the biography though Satan arrives rather angrily that she is bothering to consider their thoughts rather for his book. Edith demands that Satan get to work on finding out who murdered her, which is news to Thomas leaving him somewhat pleased, as she suggests that Satan couldn't possibly solve her murder anyway. Satan quickly ends up looking through the facts, and speaks to a number of murderers about methods they might use. Satan finds a hitman that Thomas paid off in the real world, who still wants his money. The entire process ends in a punch up when Thomas exacerbates the situation. On returning to her research, Edith decides to talk to an Imam about Satan in the Quran, though Satan suggests that most of the facts about him are wrong. As punishment for speaking to him, Satan sets Mordecai off listing all the things that are unclean again.
Satan has returned from the mortal realm to Scumspawn's delight, and arrives with a file on Edith's apparent suicide. He enquires about how Edith is getting on with his biography and takes an interview from her on how he came to Hell, though she refuses to write down Satan's rubbish when she quickly spots him downplaying his rebellion. Thomas meanwhile is being punished by Scumspawn, but the two also try to work out a way to minimise his treatment by Satan by way of a mental illness examination. Satan also sets about investigating Edith's murder by way of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie who are roped in to help, but provide little use. Scumspawn proclaims to Satan that Thomas is suffering all the mental issues he can find in the book, and Satan decides on a regime of shock treatment. Looking through the file, Edith discovers a mark was left on her body. Satan also questions Scumspawn about what he remembers from their banishment from heaven, with Scumspawn suggesting that his attempt to overthrow God may qualify as a mental illness from delusions of grandeur.
Satan pretends to be a chief superintendent in the police in an attempt to get the force to investigate Edith's death. Back in Hell, a surge of deaths have lead to more overcrowding in Hell. Satan also finds that Edith has been crying due to her murder still not being solved, though she discovrs he has a copy of her suicide note which points to Edith's friend Rosemary being the killer. On the biography front, Edith decides to write a chapter on Satan and Jesus's relationship in which he decides an "incident". Meanwhile, Thomas is employed by Scumspawn to help aid the overcrowding situation and helps him discover a number of residents disguising themselves as demons. Satan sets about taking Edith to her own funeral where they find Rosemary smirking at her funeral. Returning to Hell, Edith is angry at the situation as the devil tries to convince her she was murdered by her friend. When Thomas rescues Scumspawn from an attacking Jane Austen, Scumspawn tries to get Satan to go easier on him for his changing ways though Satan disagrees inflicting another punishment and finally cheering Edith up.
A plane crash has meant that a large number of people have arrived in Hell, though Satan finds no pity from Edith to his complaining. She is working on the biography and discovers that angels had children with mortal women as written about in Genesis, which was the cause of the Great Flood. Scumspawn and Thomas are out for a walk leaving Satan irritated, as Scumspawn shows him his favourite spot in Hell - an abyss. Satan reveals to Edith that the descendants of angels are ginger-haired, who wants to include it in the book. Returning to Edith's murder, Satan takes on the challenge of proving Rosemary was her murderer. Scumspawn continues to try to get Thomas to continue improving himself and wants him to express remorse to Edith for his treatment of her daughter. Satan sets a plan in motion to prove that Rosemary is the killer due to her being the better historian, before she admits it publicly in anger when Satan confronts her. Thomas attempts to make an apology to Edith, but fails fairly quickly. It dawns on Edith that Thomas is ginger-haired, who becomes excited at the news of being a descendant of angels.
Satan tries to scare a few bankers who have never been responsible for their actions. Hell is also still going through its overcrowding problems with overfilled pits. Thomas and Edith have been placed together, and are still struggling to put their differences aside, while she continues to write Satan's biography. Thomas suggests a way to solve the overcrowding problem, and allow Edith a separate room, by destroying three quarters of the damned, much to Edith's dismay. She suggests consulting the inmates as to whether they wish to be punished for eternity or removed. Scumspawn returns with a dog named Scamp after being killed by his owner, leaving Satan bewildered that a dog has been sent to Hell. Satan sets about finding out whether God is now permitting animals in Hell as Scumspawn wants to keep him. However, he struggles to talk to God as he has employed two angels as site managers. Thomas begins to bond with the dog, though Satan returns with a threat to put down the dog in response to the angels being no help. Edith challenges Satan that he is afraid of affection, and he eventually relents allowing a temporary stay.
Scumspawn informs Satan that there has been another troublesome arrival, to which he finds a wealthy Russian oligarch. The oligarch however believes he can buy his way out of Hell. Meanwhile, Edith is continuing to write while Thomas plays with Scamp. While discussing Einstein being in Hell with Edith, the Hell check-in demons inform Satan that a baby has been sent to the underworld, prompting Satan to try again with God as to the situation. Edith finds Einstein to discuss her writing a book about him while she was still alive, however she finds that he only wants to talk about how good he was at table tennis. Scumspawn and Thomas take to looking after the baby, while Satan still can't talk to God and has to deal with the angel Gabriel instead. Gabriel says that a new computer system is causing the issues. Returning to Hell, he finds Edith in a bad mood after her experience with Einstein, and Scumspawn has named the child Satan Junior. Satan decides on trying to return the baby to Earth once he can find its family. To round off the day, the Russian oligarch reappears wanting to be returned to Earth, with Satan suggesting tunneling out may work.
Scumspawn is taking photo's of Satan Junior for his scrapbook, after there has been a mistake with the computer system causing the baby to arrive in Hell. Edith insists that someone take responsibility for getting the baby into Heaven. Thomas meanwhile returns from walking a dog, Scamp, and reveals to Scumspawn that a riot is being caused by Saladin's army. Satan heads off to the real world to visit the Home Secretary and has to flirt with her in an attempt to discover where the baby has come from, but is unsuccessful when she reveals they have lost the disk with the data on which could tell him. Edith and Thomas also have to talk Joan of Arc out of killing them, with some delay from Thomas who uses the baby to shield himself, though she does tell them about a few inaccuracies in history which surprises Edith. Satan, disguising himself as a police officer, heads onto Crimewatch to make a public appeal for anyone to recognise the baby and Scamp. Returning to Hell with no idea about the baby's origin, until Scumspawn finds an address inside its basket leaving Satan incredibly angry.
Edith is feeling glum due to how much of history is wrong, while Thomas continues to walk Scamp. Edith belives that Scamp is also depressed based on his behaviour. Satan Junior is also still there, and is being carried by Scumspawn in a papoose. Satan threatens to zap the dog to put him out of his misery, but Edith suggests he is taking the easy way out as usual, which she notes down for the biography. Satan heads to the mortal realm disguised as Bobby Charlton to find information on Satan Junior, and gets some help from a neighbourhood snitch where he discovers the baby, named Patrick, died in a car accident with his parents. Making another return to Heaven, Satan finds that God has returned and has no idea what is happening. Satan suggests allowing Patrick to live his life, and God isn't being fair by sending him straight to Heaven. On arriving back in Hell, the neighbourhood snitch has been murdered by all her neighbours. Scumspawn suggests sneaking Patrick and Scamp in Heaven, and dangles the idea as being good for his biography.
Satan is preparing to transfer Patrick back to the mortal world, against God's wishes while Scamp will be moved to Heaven, which leaves Thomas at a loss. This is done by ensuring God's green button is pushed, which doesn't happen very often. Edith is still putting the finishing touches on the biography, but wants a final opinion from a historian who was her teacher. Satan heads to the mortal realm to find an adoptive family for Patrick, but struggles to find a suitable location when he visits a strict family, and a completely disorganised one. Scumspawn tries to get Thomas to be pleased for Scamp and his leaving, while Edith is having doubts about the quality of her work which results in her tearing up Satan's biography just as he returns from the real world. Thomas is delighted at the sight of the torn up book, resulting in him being turned into a toilet. Satan leaves Scumspawn to put the book back together, while he transfers Scamp to Heaven. Meeting the angel Gabriel, Satan blackmails him into pressing God's green button to return Patrick to life.
Chantelle is a new arrival in Hell, and is a talentless X Factor contestant, which Satan has to deal with. Satan still has yet to find a family for Patrick, and Edith suggests that her niece would make a good mother. Planning to arrange the return, God discovers the plot and puts Satan and Gabriel on trial for not obeying his orders. Attempting to jump straight to the sentencing, Satan demands he hear his case. Taking the tack that God is the one at fault for creating humans and then subsequently losing interest, God refuses to take the blame. Edith and Scumspawn also decide to take their share of the blame for putting the idea forward, as Edith makes God more irate by trying to explain him. Edith decides that she is imagining everything that has happened, but reopens her eyes to everyone still there, except God who has left with Patrick who has been returned to Earth. God also decides that their punishment is to leave them as they are. Satan thinks that the experience will make a great final chapter for his biography. Gabriel is left to deal with Chantelle, much to Satan's delight.
Christmas Specials (2010)
1. Christmas Spirit
Hell has seen a rise in the number of admittances, and Scumspawn's attempts to scare the next arrival who is drunk, reminds them it is Christmas. Meanwhile, Edith and Thomas are still at each others throat, as Satan arrives. He decides to head up to the real world, to set about destroying Christmas by appearing on Radio 4 and Sky News. Scumspawn gives Edith and Thomas a present while Satan is away, whcih happens to be socks and then sets up a Christmas tree made up on his dried mucus. Edith finds herself feeling glum at the thought of missing her family, and Scumspawn's attempts to cheer her up with her aunt and Bing Crosby fall flat. Satan's next angle is to plant fake stories in the Daily Mail disparaging Christmas, before returning to Hell where he quickly discovers the Christmas celebrations arranged by Scumspawn. Satan takes to tormenting the drunk new arrival with an eternal hangover and demons playing vuvuzelas.
2. Ring in the New
A blind and deaf person has arrived in Hell, and Satan refuses to scare him saying his heart is no longer in his work, and even Thomas being punished leaves Satan feeling numb. Edith's suggestion is for him to take a mini-break, which he dismisses until she accuses him of being scared of finding inner peace. Leaving Scumspawn in charge, Satan heads off to the Lake District who finds peace difficult to achieve. Meanwhile, Scumspawn tries to get leadership advice from figures such as Winston Churchill, Ghandi, and Brian Clough however he struggles to impose his authority on the other demons. While out walking, Satan encounters a religious man who insists on praying for him and begins to test his patience, which reminds him of his purpose. Upon returning to Hell, Satan is in a good mood and commands the demons back to their pits. He asks Scumspawn to prepare for a new arrival - the religious man who promptly died of a heart attack when Satan transformed into a giant wasp.
1. Olympics Special 1
Satan has organised the Infernal Olympic Games, and shows Edith the new stadium he has built in Hell. Satan's biography is still in progress, and Edith refuses to stay and watch the games. Thomas is also competing in a weight-lifting competition, but ends up in significant pain after being crushed by a hippo. Satan decides to take Edith to meet the founders of the Olympic Games, and discovers a number of facts do not match those told in history. Unable to remove the hippo from Thomas, Scumspawn takes to bringing in a pain management expert to try and calm him down, which fails to work, before trying Marilyn Monroe who just ends up crying. With Edith feeling dejected over learning about the real ancient Greeks, they return to find Thomas still stuck under the hippo, which Satan promptly replaces with a rhino. Still convinced of the Olympic spirit, Edith finds that London has been awarded the 2012 Olympics and wants to watch her relative compete.
2. Olympics Special 2
Edith is still demanding that Satan take her to the Olympics to watch her niece, and is refusing to continue with the biography. His bluff to fetch demons to torture Edith is quickly recognised, as well as his suggestion that he can get another historian to write it, so he gives in. Heading up to the real world, Edith persuades Satan to don a disguise to hand over her lucky charm in time for her event. Back in Hell, Thomas tries to persuade a psychiatrist that he is mentally unwell to make Satan go easy on him in the future, when he discovers that Hell doesn't treat those impaired with torture. Satan meanwhile meets Edith's niece and finds her to horrible, when she says she doesn't like Edith and is only interested in how much the lucky charm is worth. She also reveals she has agreed to come last after being paid by a bookmaker. Returning to Hell, the psychiatrists declare Thomas insane and Satan allows him to go to the television lounge, to eternally watch Loose Women.